I was never the woman who dreamed of being a mother. I knew I always wanted children, but I wasn't "that girl" (and it's not a bad thing if you are/were), I was just more focused on attaining happiness through things of which I controlled (i.e. a career, my relationship with friends/family/hubby). I knew motherhood would be an adjustment, and I believed the women who said it would be tough. But hear me when I say: it has been the greatest, hardest thing I have ever taken on. I wish someone had told me some of the things I have posted here, as it might have saved me hours of pouring over the net and calling friends, searching for answers, and helped me better prepare for this new life.
11. Blast the GAS. For us, this means gas drops, gripe water, and/or rocking little one's hips toward his belly while he's on his back. You'd be amazed at what relief a good fart can bring to a baby. :)
10. Your body will change in ways you never dreamed possible. Yes, there's those pinterest images that say "I created life" or "Stretch marks are my tiger stripes!". I get it. But that doesn't make looking at your new body any easier. The good news is, most days you'll be so sleep deprived you won't even notice.
9. Sleep deprivation is the devil I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Long term sleep deprivation will make you feel stupid, careless, cranky, and like you're losing your mind. I have gotten stupider in the past 3 months. Get your PhD. and memorize the entire Encyclopedia Britannica while pregnant, so when extreme sleep deprivation kicks in, you'll still be amazingly intelligent.
8. A good white noise app is your saving grace. My baby loves white noise, it helps him calm down and sleep longer. It also drowns out the sound of the fedex man knocking at the door, the dogs barking, or mommy yelling at the 49ers game in the other room.
7. Plans change. Flexibility is key. Hi. My name is Cassandra, and I have a Type-A personality. I don't choose to be this way, but this is the way I am hard wired. I actively work to not be so Type-A, but alas, there aren't many bones in my body that thrive with the "we'll just see what happens" mentality. There's a reason my nickname is "worst case scenario Cass"... I always think of every last thing that could happen in any given situation. This spells BIG trouble when you are a parent, and also when you're pregnant. Which leads me to the following:
a) Birth plans are great for day dreaming, but be prepared to wad it up and throw it at someone when it doesn't happen. The only things on my birth plan that went the way I had planned? Arrive at hospital & Have a healthy baby. Everything else went out the window, no matter how hard I tried. Sometimes you can't change the way things are going to happen.
b) Nursing? Not nursing? Again, be prepared for that to change. Read this.
6. TRUST YOUR GUT. Believe me! I didn't, because my theory was that my "gut instinct" was underdeveloped, I was a new mom, and what did I know anyways? Truth is, my gut is what got my baby diagnosed with posterior tongue tie and lip tie, off the "failure to thrive" diagnosis, and healthy. I should have trusted it in the beginning, but I listened to 6 different doctors and just blindly did as they said until my gut instinct lept up and beat me senseless until I listened.
5. Grow out your bangs. Grow out your hair. Consider lasering EVERYTHING. You just won't have time for it. Conditioner will begin to feel like a luxury item. A 5 minute shower will feel like a day at the spa.
4. Invest in multiple black t-shirts, tanks, leggings, long sweaters, and layers. When you're purchasing this, ask yourself, "If I spilled coffee all over this, would anyone notice?" If the answer is "yes", it ain't going to work, momma. Your new definition of high fashion will be going one day without being spit up on. You'll also find yourself weirdly hot or oddly cold when no one else is, and you'll need to be prepared to strip off layers or add them on. This also will help you avoid the tempting road of yoga pants as actual clothing.
3. Your relationship with your husband/boyfriend/significant other will change dramatically. Those long meals listening to Otis Redding, enjoying a bottle of wine while cooking together, and asking how each others day went are now replaced with "was that diaper poo-poo or pee-pee? What color was it? Can you watch him while I pump?". For now, those dinners are gone, but they'll return in time. Make time for just the two of you, if you can. We manage one date night a month right now, and it's our time to just reconnect. Help each other out. Realize that it's stressful for both of you, but you're in it together. AND, know that he sees you as a powerful, amazing woman... because you are the mother of his child.. and that hot little skinny blonde down the road? She doesn't even register for him. You're wonderwoman to him :)
2. Learn a kick ass lullabye. I'm not talking Mary had a little lamb. Mine is "Dream a little dream of me" by Ella Fitzgerald. Learn the lyrics, learn to sing it well, even if you don't sing. This is for your sanity. I learned this trick a little late, but it psychologically conditions me to calm down while baby is SCREAMING and fighting sleep, again, for the 15th time today. If I had known this while pregnant, I would have sang this song over and over again while in the rocking chair to condition myself before he was born.
1. I know this sounds like a "duh" but parenting is CRAZY HARD, and any mother that says its easy is a DAMN LIAR. Yes, that sentence calls for caps. I would scream this from the roof tops if I could. Every mother has had that moment when they say, "I can't do this anymore!". And believe me when I say this, every. single. mother. has been there. You're dealing with the baby blues (I was crying one minute over how happy I was with my perfect little family, then the next second crying because I couldn't get the diaper on straight and was 'failing' as a parent.. I was pacing at 3 am off of 2 hours of sleep and afraid to give my son a paci to calm down.. crying and wanting to just run away from everything), and there's going to be those moments when you're going to go insane. I say, go insane. It's cool. Go with it. In fact, go bat shit crazy. Punch a pillow in another room while baby is tucked safely in the crib. Pass baby off to Daddy and leave the house if you have to. Go for a walk. Do what you need to in order to deal with those feelings safely and do not, not even for one second, feel guilty over initiating some self care. No one expects you to be wonderwoman. You are not a failure if your baby cries, even though you'll feel that way. No ones baby is perfect all the time, and no one person is a perfect mother all the time. If I could go back in time and talk to myself at 3 weeks postpartum, I'd say: you're not failing! Yes, that screaming SUCKS. But here's the BEST advice I've EVER read:
Being a newborn is really hard. It's your job to help your little one navigate his intense emotions, because he can't communicate and doesn't even understand what's happening to him. How would you feel if someone took away your ability to communicate, you couldn't feed yourself, and couldn't soothe yourself?
I repeat this to myself multiple times a day. Often with a screaming child in my ear. It's my job to help him calm down, it's my job to help him soothe. As anxious, tired, and stressed out as I am, my job is not to react just to my emotions, but to help him navigate his.
And one last piece of advice....there's no guilt in motherhood. Or, at least there shouldn't be. The last I checked, there's no real "Mother of the year" award, Pinterest isn't real life, Martha Stewart has a gaggle of assistants, no one's house REALLY looks like that ALL the time, and no one is perfect. Don't feel guilty over needing time for yourself, or a break, or feeling stressed out, or not entirely connected to your baby. It happens. I certainly don't know everything, but I wish I could have told myself these things four months ago. I wish I could have eased the pressure I put on myself to be perfect, because I was only setting myself up to feel like a constant failure. Oh, and.. when your baby starts smiling.. everything changes. Being sleep deprived at 3:34am, only to hear baby cooing.. you flip on the lights, rub your eyes, question why in the world he's up again, already, dear God can you please just sleep... and you see his smiling face looking at you?? You betcha, it's ALL worth it.
PS... That mom on your facebook newsfeed? You know the one.. Her life is perfect, right? Her baby sleeps through the night, is such a good baby, motherhood is a breeze, its the best/least stressful thing on the planet? .....
She's a liar, and we all know it. ;)
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